The Child of Orochimaru and Itachi
by Aiko of the Akatsuki
Summary: Nothing but crack. This is my attempt at humor and what I believe would be the child of Orochimaru and Itachi...so...who IS their child?


The Child of Orochimaru and Itachi

**Author's Note: This is my attempt at humor…I just got off the phone with my friend and I started blabbing about what would happen if Orochimaru and Itachi had a kid…enjoy.**

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"Cough it up, bitch."

Orochimaru shakily glanced up from the confinement of his bed to see the red-eyed Itachi staring coldly down at him with malicious Sharingan orbs.

"But Itachi…_baby_…" Orochimaru crooned, holding his stomach as if he were in pain.

"Don't call me that," the Uchiha coldly replied, eyes narrowing. "Give it to me."

The snake-nin heaved out a sigh, throwing back his head.

Suddenly, his eyes began to bulge, bursting unrealistically from his skull as a huge lump moved up his throat, Orochimaru's hacking and retching accelerating until he vomited a sticky ball of flesh from the imprisonment of his throat.

Itachi disgustedly reached down and plucked out what appeared to be an arm-like counterpart.

His nose crinkled. "When I said 'cough it up' I didn't mean literally."

Orochimaru shrugged, face still pasty-white and pale as death.

Itachi inspected the slimy creature quietly, frown deepening as he growled, "Why the hell does it have red hair? And why does its jaw look like it's attached by screws? And what's with the shiny threads? _What is this thing?!_ This isn't any child of _mine_!" Orochimaru leaned over and began giggling. Itachi quirked an eyebrow, angry. "Think this is funny, do you?"

Orochimaru snickered. "Sorry beloved, that's _Sasori's_."

Itachi grimaced. "You raped him too?"

The snake nin shuddered in ecstasy and silkily replied, "Ohhh…_yes_!"

Itachi felt sympathy for the snake rapist's partner. Oh woe for Sasori. Though, his compassion for the unwilling redhead quickly changed to anger for himself. "Listen to me Orochimaru; give up the child before I send you into the Tsukyomi realm and force you to have sex with Zetsu."

Unfortunately, his threat failed and succeeded more so in intriguing Orochimaru.

"I will admit I've _never_ gotten the chance to, ahem, experiment with a plant-man before!"

Itachi tried not to release his lunch. "All right, just give me the child."

Rolling his eyes, Orochimaru chimed, "Oh all right!" He repeated the process of barfing up a child and this time, he produced a mass of flesh so slimy, so unimaginably twisted, that Itachi suspected it might be a product of Orochimaru's masturbation.

He was about to find out.

Inspecting the creature carefully, Itachi choked on a gasp and immediately doubled over; it was their child; the most hideous creature in the world next to Karin. The thing possessed black hair and a mixture of both their pale skins to create a pasty greenish color.

Then, there were the orange, slanted eyes (Itachi figured that this trait was proof more than anything, due to the fact that when he was raped by Orochimaru his red Sharingan was activated and Orochimaru has golden-yellow eyes, so, logically speaking, red plus yellow equals orange), and the most crooked smile.

It was revolting.

"This…this _thing,_" Itachi mused, horrified. "Did not come from me."

"You're right, sexy," Orochimaru cooed. "It came from _us_."

Itachi twitched, reached over, and casually ripped Orochimaru's hand off.

Orochimaru's pallid face blanched. "What are you doing? I just gave birth! _TWICE_!"

"Get the hell out of the Akatsuki," Itachi hissed.

Orochimaru staggered out of bed, sobbing as Itachi chased him to the door. "It's over Itachi! It's _OVER_! I give you a deformed, ugly child despite all my nurturing and _this_ is how you treat me?!"

Itachi shrugged, monotonously replying, "Rejection hurts…"

Orochimaru wailed and tore through the gates, promising to never return.

Satisfied, Itachi glanced at the twitching baby-thing on the floor and glared at it, using genjutsu to warp the thing to some form a normalcy; instead, it ended up with black pits for eyes, discolored gray hair, and four eyes. Puzzled, Itachi shrugged, deducting that it looked better than before and sent it off to Konoha as a present.

As for Orochimaru, he was never seen in the Akatsuki again…

And that, my friends, is how Kabuto was born.

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Author's Note: Review!


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